I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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