if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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