Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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