I seem to have left my pride at pride
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
