Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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