i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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