Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
