turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
