I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
