I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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