Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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