You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
