I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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