i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
