I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
