So drunk its hurt
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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