i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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