So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
