What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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