I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
