I think I won the penis lottery.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
