Need sex. Gaining weight.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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