You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
