Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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