when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
