I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
