I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
