Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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