I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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