The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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