he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
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Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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