This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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