You smell like stripper and shame
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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