You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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