She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
