Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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