Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
