All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
