When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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