I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
