I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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