Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
