The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
