drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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