I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
