This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
