id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My liver is preforming stress tests.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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