She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
