No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
