just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
