So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
