Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
