if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
